stumbled upon mine.. how i wish you were mine.

read this entry...
I never thought that i did captured the first-ever crush(for that yearlah) memories in this blog. Its been one and half year(till date) but i still have some(a lot actually) feeling towards him. And yes, he has no absolute knowledge about it. Mr. Muffin man i called him.

read this entry..
so how will i know? mmg berangan. Takkan tahu kalau tak bertanya. Nak move on untuk cari crush baru terbantut. Hati masih terpikat lagi masa ini.

read this entry..
hah tak terkata. Girang sekali bila itu berlaku. Sengih memanjang. Tapi senyuman tak lama. :(

Latest Entry.
Sekarang hati masih terpikat. Dia mungkin tersalah anggap. Dan aku tidak cuba membetulkan. Bila bertemu, tiada kata kata diluahkan. mahupun apa khabar. Yang saling berbalas hanyalah sekadar ucapan selamat tinggal. Bye.

Packing up one year plus memories. It seems like theres not enough box of mind to keep all that.

One year and eight months. and everything will ends on 25th September 2009. They will leave by 19th. Today is 9th September 2009. 10 more days till they depart. 10 more day for us to huddled together. I know there will a change. Never thought it would be this soon.
"you know what, im feeling terribly bad. The thought of going back is killing me" he texted. I know dear. The thought of not seeing you every weekdays makes my heart crushed. 8 months. 8 months of knowing you. 8 months of food chatting, 8 months of exchanging meaningful glances. 8 months of teasing each other. haih.
Change is the only thing that is constant. She posted it on fb. 1 year and 8 months. thats how long we've known each other. the moment we heard the news, you cried. i was too shocked to digest the news.

Im exhaling the air of emptyness.

Im into time devices.

hmmm.. I never bought a watch on my own. I mean a watch more than RM50. All this while, the only watch that stick with me is this one particular gold colour watch given by my dad. Yes i treasure it, i wore it for 10 years. I wore it on the day i took SPM, i wore it on the day i gradute, and i wore it during special occasion. Sadly, it fell and the body got chipped. thus i had to celloytape it to keep it together. Before i got that watch, my mom gave a sophisticated black leathered watch. I wore it for i think more than 5 years. Then i lost it somewhere. haih. So now i decided to break one of my own rules. The rules : never buy expansive watch. I can be careless with the stuff i own. especially the ones i bought using my own money. So when my mom and dad gave me those watches, it didnt come with just the watch. i took the responsibility of taking care of it. Yes, always i misplaced it but I always found it back(ok not always). So i thought, i shouldnt buy any watch cause i know i wont be that delicate with it. I should wait for it be a present from someone. Tapi.... sekarang, tangan rasa kosong. :P. ok anyway i want to show you my choice of watches. Let see which one will I truly fall in love with.

DKNY. I just love the details.

Fossil Black. Funky and soo Me and its black.

Fossil White. Adore the details and its a leather strap.

Pink Fossil. Pink and sweet. awwwwww.

White Love Fossil. Its pure and unorthodox. Something i would wear occasionally.

Another White Fossil. Details details details and its white!

Sporty White Fossil. enough said.

Pink Swatch. Really love it but its plastic. :(

Soooo... which one will i buy??? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......

dancing under grey black sky...

I heard the sound of rain.I looked outside but the sky is not black nor grey. It's white like a pure cotton. How looks can be deceiving. Thats why trust is hard to be earned. I like the smell of rain. It's fresh and calm. But the sound of lightning scares everything away. Thats why hope can be banished by a strong current in a second. every drops of rain splashes not too far from it landed. thats why you can never run from problems. itll merge back just like drops of rain on a surface.

Owh rain, when u drop by why didn't you bring in the solution or even a cure to my pains?

cerita tentang kawan.

A SMS came in. 'you left some stuff in my car'. Sigh. I text back, 'what stuff did I left?' a few seconds after, my phone rings. A familiar tone. 'you left your smile in my car when you went back just now'. if I didn't know you like I did, I would have smile from ear to ear and had my heart melt like an ice cream under scorching sun. But since I know you and I'm still mad at you, your words are pennyless. Hmmmmphhhh. Brown cow!

thoughts words i have saved up years ago but didnt get it published.

it seems easy to talk to you after ive thrown away all my feelings toward you. So i guess, we can just be friend for now and let time decide for us.

nk button escape untuk lari, nk button shift untuk berubah, nk button tab untuk some space, nk button enter untuk execute, nk button control untuk kawal perasaan, nk button alternate untuk bertukar kehidupan. Sume yg aku mahu ade je didepanku... cume aku harus kuat dan tabah untuk menekannya. Paling takot nk tekan button end.

i need to find a perfect song to fine tune my life and to forget about what happens on yesterday yesterweek yesteryear. give me a tune, give me a melody. read the lyrics so i shall remember.

i love people producing beautiful voices, creative photos, wonderful sketches and instrument player. I am just a bystander who couldnt do anything but only to adore them. few weeks ago, my friend introduce me to Yuna and on the same week, i learnt that a photographer lost to cancer Sara Aziz. hmm, i think ive heard Yuna from Diana first, then Iqa gave me the songs. Yuna's melodies and Sara's photos are inspiring me to be more creative. To get outside my in-a-box mind.Tomorrow, ill be in a park with friends of mine. Let see how well it goes. I did learnt how to be a musician and i failed, uh no i didnt failed just that i didnt pursue it. Its all because of i dont have the passion to do so. I took on photography last year and its been a on and off hobby. So what will happen tomorrow?

terasa bahagia

Hari ini? aku kembali tersenyum dan tertawa. tentang hal aku berduka, aku biarkan saja. Melayan pn tak bagus untuk kesihatan diri. Pagi tadi, i went to work berbekalkan wirid doa. "Apa yg terjadi mmg pasti akan terjadi takdenyer nk the other way around, itu bak org english kata FATE. Semua yg berlaku hanya ujian. Allah menguji kita kerana DIA tahu kita mampu untuk diuji.". Sampai office, mulakan dengan mendengar lagu. carik lagu happy, lagu cinta, lagu jiwa. Mencari mood untuk bekerja. terjwb panggilan pagi, hati terhibur sebentar. Ada juga orang masih caring. terima kasih si pembeli nasi. Kembali focus pada kerja. di waktu tengah hari, gembira dapat makan. rasa macam dah beribu jam tak makan tengah hari. sampaikan bihun manis terasa sedap teramat. ya, aku gembira terhadap makanan. yg lain masih tak berubah. masih ada rasa tersingkir dan disingkir. siapalah aku, duduk jauh tak siapa nk update ape2. sekembali ke tempat duduk, aku tersenyum lagi. ada lagi orang realize aku masih bernafas di dunia yg penuh dengan kekecewaan. berbual sebentar walaupun tadi telah berjumpa. Bila menuju ke kereta, bibir masih tersenyum. iyalah, dah lama tak tersenyum gembira. hari ini, aku tawakkal. hari ini, aku bersyukur. Aku masih ada orang yg sayang. Alhamdulillah, walau bagi kau cerita ini tidak fun, tapi bagi aku ini titik permulaan untuk aku bangun dan kembali berperang. besok aku tak tahu apakan terjadi. apakah hari ini berulang untuk esok? aku harus ingat, tiap hari tak semesti membawa kegembiraan.

tragic irony...

irony..... when the person you didnt expect to care about you ask about your wellbeing, while the person you known very close, didnt say anything.

irony.... we have known for a long time but you still didnt know me.

irony.... im sick and tired and angry inside but i still smile eventhough its a fake smile.

irony... i used to be a great actor, but now im not as good as i used to be.

ceritera aku dan cicak

lama tak berkarya. dah berhabuk. eh tengok ade binantang lain menghuni.
cicak tanye, nape dah lame tak menyinggah?
aku jawab sebab cerita sume tak best. takde orang nak baca...kan.
cicak:eh tapikan ade cerita orang bertunang, orang kawen, cuti cuti, makan makan byklah cerita best.
aku: sekarang nie kehidupan penuh dengan kesedihan. Tak mahulah semua itu menggangu keceriaan cerita best seperti yang kau katakan. Mereka hanya mahu membaca cerita lawak, gembira. Yang aku ada, pilu dan resah, marah dan sedih.
cicak: abes tuh sekarang ape nk cerita?
aku: eh sape kate aku nk cerita, aku cuma mahu membersihkan lalang disini, termasuk juga menghalau kau.

bila lagi aku akan update, entah lah..tunggulah sehingga hati kembali ceria...

Middle of May

I received a card. It says To K and partner. it made me laugh and cry at the same time. She is an old friend. we hardly talk but she remembers me.
My parent received an invitation card. my long gone bff gonna get hitched. I was the last one to know. how sad. I choose to be like this and now it smack me on the head. The card says to Hj S and Family.

I heard someone is leaving. People always leave.