stop,lose it and walk away...

im speechless..no, actually im worldless.. i have no advice for me.. i need to walk away, for some puff.. a healthy puff.. i need a vacation where i can get cold feet and puff of airs coming from my breath.. i need iceland so that i can be ice queen.. so that i can block away the hurt.. so that i have iced heart.. so that no one could ask me "are you ok?".. im not ok dammit and please stop asking me that question... i appreciate all your kindness but all i want is just the pat in the back and let me cry... no conversations no advice... i just need to cry...

leave me with my thoughts....

its always good to have guilt. guilt will teach us our mistakes. it will also can burned you to rot.it is you who have the final say. it is you to create your present and draw your future. I dont know but today i feel a lot of guilt inside me. the guilt over God, the guilt on my parents, guilt for a muse and guilt in myself. i betrayed me. i've sinned, i am not the perfect daughter, i cheat over my feeling. *sigh* what should i do with this emotions? i pissed of to someone and shot the anger to vandalisme over my body. i think im going to disgorge the lava in me... i think i need to have a fresh perceptions... i think i need love......................................................................................................

its.a.long.drive...

tonight i went for a drive with mr. ayah. Its usual for the Ayah fams for not cooking after a long drive yesterday. so instead this morning we eat foods from kenduri last afternoon. the meal spread to lunch and when its dinner, i think im going to puke. i thought, let me buy some food. i was actually thinking of kfc(again!). my loyal companion wasnt at home to be my bodyguard. adoi.. so i decide to go alone. Ayah was like "pegi dengan sape nie?", me:"alone". he:"wait for me, im going." .. ok uh, this is like the first time Ayah wants to sit next to me and go somewhere.. usually, he will be the driver and i will sit next to him. everyones are scared if im driving. hu hu hu... anyway, in the car he said, "arent you longing for sate?" owh well i am.. since yesterday i keep on whining over sate trip. "hmmmm lets go to buy sate.. hi hi..".. soo for 10 mins of driving, i feel at peace.. talking to just Ayah and i got his attention. yayy... this is the peace i have looking for.. yeaps.. i am in peace.. we talked about plans for next weekend and bout my baby ride. thank god he didnt ask about my work or relationship or my behavior.. thats creepy... but all in all, i like to be with him. just him....