alterations on my life.

hmmmm lately my posts are all about how emotional unstable i was. I have decided to change. To change the layout and also the content. Trying to be as cheerful as i was before when i started this blog. No, i wont delete all post as it is there to remind me not to make another mistake. Tonight and today i'm thankful enough to have close ones standing tall beside me ready to kick in on the butt if i screw up. I have notice that whenever i let things fall to pieces, I have loads of other people would like to help me to pick up the pieces. Sometimes they tend to replace a new piece that would fit in my scattered puzzled life. Let it be free, the muggers who cracked my puzzle. For i shall complete the puzzle with people i love. grudge will still be there but not as much as the usual. Im learning to breathe easily and not to have redundant mistakes. So come back again, and ill try to change. To be a better daughter, a caring sibling, a good friend and hatredless enemy. No post will be posted until the layout is changed.

To my friend, pray for me.

a thank you note.

One fine day, He ask "Lately when i saw you, why did your face turns sour??". I was stumped and speechless. I dont know what to answer so i lied. I ask myself again why and why but the answers i found seems illogical. The whole week i have been a grumpy person. But it was hidden by a simple smile. Never thought that it would appear and noticed by a someone. I guess i hide well from my friends. Or so i thought. The question has been lingering in my head since then. I keep on trying to find reasons behind it. If you have read post before, that happen during the weekend. Less is better for your knowledge. I cried in dark, i cried in car, i cried in crowds. reminishing of what that hurt me.
This morning, a friend told me about her dream. A weird dream. She told me that i wasnt in a good mood. I was grumpy and maybe i think i cry. I cant remember exactly the whole story. Mind my little mind. its not enough to store much memories. Coincidence? or telepathy?But i really in need of a friend during the weekend. i guess im soo used in hiding the problem that it hits me, no one was there on the night it happens. So i wrote. Not for you to notice but for me to heal. Babe ask me "why you didnt call?", Dear babe, i dont have the heart to spoil your fun night with bffs wedding. But the next day i have babe and my family to soothe me. Today, I have everyone dear to me sitting infront of me. Making me forget about that. This post is to thank for he who notice, for babe to have our starbucks run, for the rest to make me smile. Thank you. and all these emotions are shadowed by PMS. exaggerating is my forte.

Im fooled by your so called friendship.

i just need an explanation, but you left me hanging. The whole night i have been waiting for a single sms but but nothing comes in. This morning, the first thing i checked is my inbox. sad. another nothing. Why cant you just tell me the truth and make peace out of it. But no, you decided to remain silence and that silence kills me inside. Its not the first time this happen. But i stayed eventhough people say i am stupid for it. I value you just like i value other friends. But in return i am the one who get my heart crushed. Every single time? owh great, i can hear someone said "i told you so".

Apologize to you.

I am currently decluttering my life. You see, since the past 20 years I have never ever been soo close with one person for more than a year straight. There will be some break ups and patch up. Sadly im not talking about boyfriendhoo but friends. I remember when i was in school, my friends would always changing. I would be friends with the hottest girl in class but the next year, my friend is a new crackadoodle. I have different group in my life. I have a group of rockers, vandalismers, nerders and coolers. I wont say who is who.. wanna know why i have soo many different groups?
I have this fear where i dont want to rely on someone totally. definition of 'Rely is' i would story to him/her, every little things that have been happening in my life. I would go to her/him every single time im free. well its who i am becoming right now. a Rely-er. When i have put soo much trust on her/him, everything little thing they did would mean a lot to me. And yes sometimes it would hurt me. Again you see, Im a quick analyser. I can sense when he/she hates my guts and yet i act like i know nothing. So everytime, everytime i feel like there is no sparks between us, i would stay away for a while. I would leave them and get back to them after a while. This is how i keep my relationship with my bestfriends. So when i stay away, its not your fault, it me. I need a space away to distance and straight myself. I dont like to rely on someone because it makes me helpless when that person does not give any feedback that i want.
So now, i might be doing it to someone. Just to let you know, theres nothing wrong with you. Im the one who got caught in this mess, and i need to untangled all mess by myself. So thank you for being such a great friend to a person who cant/dont know how to be a friend. Thanks.

-I need to let myself free from mixed up signals all around me.-
-If you want me tell me-
-If you want to be friends with me, let me know-
now, i dont care less of what you think of me. I need to reset my game.

neo

hmmm tonight i drive a manual car. I drive his car. its just a 5 mins away from the office but it means a thousand hours for me. Thanks BFF for giving me chance to wreck your car. You give me confidence in life and in driving manuals(other than red buggy lah). Thanks for being there.just thanks. Hope you do well in life and love. you have better luck than me. owh owh, i drove his car without engine failure. wowwww amazing(tiru diana). I drove his car without feeling insecure. I drove his car like i have driven thousand of manual cars. Now roll another car for me test drive.

a veron or a baron?

I have been watching veronica mars since this evening and i couldnt stop. Its my way of drowning myself in a pool of sorrow. yeah wutever. I even put aside the story book i bought with less romance and more of investigation scene. Currently im dying of live romance rather than fantasizing it. yeah again, wutever. i like it. I really do. I adore veronica as much as i adore hitler. ye metaphorically speaking lah. As for tomorrow, i am going to be a veronica. let see how well i can be a veronica tomorrow. Ill let you know what a veronica is when i finish season 1. good bye and good day.

now i wonder who reads my blog.

teary night.

He kissed me on the forehead and then he left.

Abang balik cepat boleh? owh owh, i miss you.

too much of chocolate.

i drank a whole chocolate milk frappe and chocolate cream frappe within 2 hours. I skipped breakfast and lunch and my heart is swollen due to mysterious ail. I went out with ms diana and my heart cured for just the whole 3 hours. sigh. i hate PMS.

Oh bulan.

Oh bulan putih.
katakan pada mereka berdua.
yang aku cinta mereka.

Oh langit gelap.
Katakan pada mereka,
yang aku benci mereka.

oh matahari bersinar
Sinarilah hati ini
yang gelap dan sedih ini.

shoot me.

whats the point of me texting out smses but no one replied??? owh yeah i like on wasting my cents and unanswered questions. freaks with minus rea addition of uc!!!!

shifting gears.

soo i went back late again today. kerja? xlah. waiting for ms.Preety to finish her work and owh i was supposed to have a chat with a friend tapi i had to cancel it. its already too late. Lainkali maybe. I love to go back at night but i hate to get stuck with traffic light at junction where lies TMnet and Ericcsson facing each other. Im scared to shoot when i had to stop there. Dah laa seorang. Mau x cuak. **i dont like to be alone with insufficient lights around me.**gagah tak gagah, i turn up the volume of my radio. I look to the left, no cars. turn right again no cars. owh shucks. 1 second passed by. another follows. Then i saw this black metallic car stopped right next to me. hmmmm nice car. its a mazda.my dream car. The mirror was all tinted so i couldnt see the driver. Hati berkata, "ah biarlah dia gerak dlu.nanti ade yg kne cucuk2 nie.". So i let him drive first when the light turned green. Tapi, he didnt pulak. So i stepped on the gas and shift gears from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4 and lastly 5. he still kept his distance but not too far and not too close. aik, Kenapa dia still x potong? hati berkata lagi. I let it be. after a corner, i drove my car to the utmost rightest lane so that he can overtake me. Jalan tuh super scary with barely seen lights and trees that can resembles into human sometime. Terpaksa bagi jalan xkn nk buat jln tuh macam aku yang punya. Tapi, he didnt move from his distance. aik.super pelik nieh. xpe, next turn ill take the slowest lane. Biar dia overtake. and then he did. but by the time he did, the place is safe for me to drive alone. Hati berkata, baiknya pemandu itu.sanggup menemani aku di tempat yg selalunya aku lalu bersama rakan jika waktu mlm. **dikala aku berfikiran positiF** to the nice driver thanks. i love your car. to others, ya saya takot berseorangan.

fb update: still x reti buat ape2.... cume add jer reti. hmmmphhhh....

ketinggalan zaman

yea. i admit i way too far to catch up with people who have fb. im still sticking with my belief, i wont create my own fb. but..... my friends did it for me. hahahaha... owh well i didnt break any rules right? yea big "double u". anyhoo, everything seems soo different. Currently i can only add people or click on confirm button. soo people who read this, do add me cz im too lazy to find everyone i know. i didnt even add the whole s1 yet. malas. people keep on doing quizzes, updates pictures, wrote something on someone's wall and posted new song/clips. ok wow, i dont know anything about it. i need to learn it one by one. hmmmphhh. it feels like im a little kid trying to absorb adults life. haih!

to be continued.

xde mood nk blog.salahkan perasaan yang kucar kacir. hati masih tidak dicuri, masa masih cemburu aku. rakan masih kurindu. marah sudah kebah(ye x marah dah). kerja makin mencabar. emosi terumbang ambing. kecut masih ada. wayang sudah ditonton. nantilah jika rajin aku cerita. jika rajin. jgn paksa jgn menanti. ada jika ada.

you have wasted my tears

sakit hati sampai nangis. boleh?