no more tears....

early this month, i went to hospital with my dad for his check-up. Alhamdulillah everything went ok. but somehow that couldnt ease my heart. everyday i would sleep with a pray for my parent to wake up next morning. mostly i would pray for my dad. last year, he was admitted to hospital because of minor heart attack. He managed to pulled himself together and undergo a minor surgery. its something about stapling the vein to make the blood run smoothly(i cant even remember whats the name of the surgery). I felt such an urge to go back, but i couldnt define this tangling feeling that has been around me.thank god i went back. a weekend at home turned out to be a week in hospital. he was admitted on saturday with me helping him with the admission. i stayed with him every night except for 2 days. I was tired at that moment. i dont know what i felt at that time. I managed to take online test, laughing at my bro's jokes, eat, sleep, bathe in the hospital. he got himself released from hospital on friday. it was in the month of Ramadhan. Being in the same hospital on Ramadhan brings back bad memories. my grandparent died in the same hospital in month of syawal. i have lived in hospital since i was 6 years old.
my tok bak died because of stroke. he died soo sudden that i couldnt even say goodbye and ask for his forgiveness. my dad got a minor stroke when i was in form 4. he stayed in hospital for two days only. he had the guts and also strength to be able to walk without cain in less than a year. I am really proud of him.
My tok mak died 3 years later. it happen when i was in std 3. its in the same hospital with different level and different room. my dad knows that she is going to leave us that night. he told me a story about my tok mak on the night of her death. She said ' Leh, Leh, ade dua org dekat atas nie kacau mak laaa' Leh is my dad's name. My dad replied ' Mak, mak hafal x surah yaasin? kalau mak x hafal, salleh bace nanti mak ikut ye.' and she died after the families gone back home. 7 years later, my dad was admitted to hospital. same hospital but not in ramadhan. but after 6 years later in ramadhan month he was admitted.
During last year Ramadhan, something happen and it really creeps me out. I was praying and suddenly i got a vision, a sad vision that this is the last ramadhan we are together. the vision haunt me down until today. everyday i would wake up thinking whether is this the last day? I am afraid that i will lose him before i say my goodbye. As a muslim i know its qada' and qadar, but i couldnt see myself departed from my dad.
I am afraid to find job because i know my dad need me. he needs someone to follow him everywhere. I couldnt ask my lil brother because he is in his phase of life where 'all i need is my friend'. my olderst bro is busy with his family, so is my sister. Dont ask about my other brother. I just dont want to talk about him.

what should i do? i have lost a 'BF' because of my father. I am soo thinking about my father that i forgot to think about her. but she never get this side of me because i always act like im ok. i am not ok.
this post is just for me to poured out what is inside my heart. this is the bravest action i have ever made this year. I couldnt talk to anyone because i would cry and i would think that no one understands me. i am such a dick to think of my friends like that. but thats just me.