i heart you~

over the years, i have been searching for a true meaning of friends and friendship. why do you called someone whom are not related to you a friend and how can you define its a friendship? i got an answer but i'm not too sure whether its right. for me, i can only call someone a friend when i can pour all my heart content to her without feeling of unwanted or even unheard. believe me, i never felt to have a friend until i overcome a big mess and found jewels inside lumpur.From them i learnt how to express my bundled up anger and also built up concern to a friend maybe in my case friends. from them i learnt the definition of friendship. friendship is a tie between you and the other person where you would do almost anything just to make him/her happy and he/she did too. Eventhough the link between both you sometimes get rusted but you can always shine it with love.. as for now I would like to thank you who read this for being someone in my life. If i dont know you, i do hope you can be someone in my life. I appreciate my lunch mates, my sOnes, my rempits and my rockers. Thank YOU!!!

Pieces dont fit anymore.

Puzzle comes in pieces which will create enjoyment for some people to glued together the pieces that in the end can only be one square or 3D picture. You try to fit every pieces of the puzzle by sorting it by colors or shapes. there are some who start to find shape that has straight cut in two sides of four. They start doing the puzzle with that piece. Some will start from middle and some will start from bottom. There are many ways to do the puzzle but it will end up with the same thing. There are times that you think its the best fit between 2 pieces but in the end its not. it belong to other piece's couple. Same goes for life. When we fall in love we think we complete each other. we are match made in heaven. we are perfect in any ways. But when we fall out of love, everything seems to be haywire. nothing matched. nothing perfect. Believe me, one way or another you will get hurt. even if you try to mend the broken link you can never get the same feeling like before. I just want you to move on. Find new piece to click with yours. By waiting, hoping and praying you will find your eternity. You will find him/her with Allah's will.

sugar rush..

i woke up with one mind set. only one. "to finish atleast one piece of j.co's donut". Brushed up my teeth making it uber clean and then start to attack the donut. first i ate Caviat mint. mint from toothpaste and donut makes me go uh uh uh... nyummies. To make the donut super delicious i ate it with OTH episode 12 of season 5 on thursday holiday morning.I think i have reached the 5th heaven. but when i see clutters in my room i went haywire. Gotta burn all those burger calory with reorganizing. will keep you posted now and then. ciaos..

today..

but its not today....
today i felt down to the lowest
Today i let anger overpowered my mind
Today i smashed all the hope
how today wasnt the same like yesterday

today i wished to to hug a man
today i longed for a friend
today i fear of tomorrow..
how today will not be tomorrow

today i need to grow up
today i need to sacrifice
today i need to be brave
but sadly its not today

what today brings will be tmorrows history
what yesterday brings only sorrow and happiness
but tmorrow brings will be the statement of all.
choose wisely on how to spend today
because one wrong step
will make you lose tomorrow
pray today for tmorrows benefit

truth or dare...

remember the game we used to play when we were young?? yeah the famous game ever... truth or dare. now choose carefully or you would end up regretting the choice you have made. Truth or dare have its own consequences.

TRUTH: when one secret you have been keeping all by yourself suddenly wanted to be heard by all your friends...damn you are screwed up... by then you have your brain work out overly to find one perfect lies to cover it up. example, when your classmate ask you about your crush on that particular somebody and you said "no, i dont have a crush on him, i have crush on mr. Boyd" giggle giggle sheepishly. owh man, rules of the game, once you lied, forever luck wont be by your side. forever. and ever. Another truth is when you were asked about something bad you have done to someone. Not to be stuck with unlucky slate, you start to spill the beans. a very bad beans. people start running away from you. o'oo you are too truthful to be handled. funny heh when you think truth can be soo cool at times. wrong story at the right moment. think about it.

DARE: some stupid action that other people seems to think of for you to execute with flying colors. if you bailed out just say goodbye to all and go be a chicken. friends can be mean at this moment. oooo chic chic chic chicken are you heh??!!!!

soo what is your choice? truth or dare?

I wish you were here...

i walked into my friend's car, throwing myself on the seat just to release some tension in me. It was a normal day for me. Waking up thinking of what shirt to wear and tudung to accompany with. All i am thinking that today would like the other day. Never did i thought it would change in just less than 24 hours. As i talked to my friend i played with my phone then i saw 4 miscall. it was from my sis's office. What did she desperately need that She herself can called 4 times and received only voicemail. Little did i know, i push the call button. She answered, i can hear her rock style voice and i thought she had flu. She said "Mum and dad are not at home. They went to visit Nabila. She is in ICU after having seizure this morning." I was flabbergasted, all i could think of is the last conversation i had with her. "Didnt you feel the sadness?"i asked and she replied "i have been crying since this morning. I dont think i have more energy to do so" At that time i am the positive thinker among all. With a strong mind i said she will be alright. I prayed that she will be alright. My feelings were numb. I couldnt cry not i could even express a laugh. Throughout the journey all i can repeat is the story my sister told to my friend. When i reached home i saw my brother.we talked a bit and i decided to buy dinner and see the doctor for my infected tonsil. The reason im driving just to take my mind off her. I received a call from my sister while waiting for doctor, she said SHE is in critical condition. That is all she can say coz after that she burst into tears. I hang up and started to call my brother. I was ok until i heard his voice. I choked while talking to him. My younger brother saw me and came nearer just to say that he is here. I pull out all the strength that i have left went inside and meet the doctor. When i reached home, my other brother came tp pick some stuff he left behind. He said that she might not even live through the night. I decided not to believe it. I know she is a strong girl. She was born after my granddad gone. I thought in order for one life is born, another life had to go in order to provide space for the newborn. how shallow i was during that time. 16 years passed by in a blink of an eyes. at 12.30 i received a call. Its THE CALL. She had been called to meet upon Almighty. I burst into tears because she is the only little girl cousin i have. My one and only one. Now i lost her. i remember when i hold her for the first time. I was 7 years old. All i could think of having all the fun in the world with her. Shes gone, i cant believe shes gone.
We used to huddled together, we kissed each other cheek, we start to feel awkward around when She enrolled herself in highschool, you salam n kissed my hand to show respect. there are moments when the cousins play trick on her, there are moments when we make her cheek red for being a fan of Anuar zain. but in Hj Sarman's family we only have of 11 cucus, 1 cicit and 4 pairs of the oldies. now there will be only 10 cousins. without you in our lives would always make a big different eventhough you thought you never had a big impact on us. did you know that ayah long crumbled a bit during last goodbye say to send you off to your permanent house... he was the only tough man we ever known for not being too emotional but somehow he did. he knew you will be going away that nite but he never shared the news with his kids. Did you know ayah chik keep ain posted on your condition every hour? i always tot that we will be closer when you finish your highschool but you leave way too early. i could not hold my tears when i saw your body all white without a trace of blood. I shed more tears when they started to dress you up with white long cloth. your face look tenang but your lips says the other way around. but Mak Long said that you leave in peace. Alhamdulillah. when i sat in front of you with white cloth wrapped tightly around you i realised you were really gone forever. when i kissed your forehead, i can feel the coldness on my lips. Kak Linda also kissed you. Abg Lan n Mamat n Zain also helped to carry you for the last bath. Ayah Ngah did carry you to the van awaiting to bring you to the eternity home. Abg Lan even went 6 feet below to safely tucked you in the last bed. AYah chu even be a hero to spread even the tanah on you. After sending you off we went our separate way. uncles and Aunts went back to KL with Ain. Abg Nol came a bit late. Zain cried a lot after youre gone. he never wanted to take a sip of milo or even air yasin. he didnt eat the whole day.he was tired. he really misses you. i ask mak long whats the causes and she said the doc maybe suspect you to have leukemia. When they send you to hospitals, your organ are failing one by one. Mom said your heart stopped 4 times. the last one you never revived. i need to say my final goodbye but i can never said goodbye. All i can say is that i love you. I cant stop thinking of you. Its been 3 weeks but i still wish i could see you during reunion. I can still imagining myself talking to you. How can i say goodbye? how can i let you go?

2007 with the full stop...

we have celebrated both rayas,cny,deepavali and now christmast and yet in a week we have another celebration.. big one.. yups the coming of 2008... what did i do for the past 359 days? i have graduated, i have worked my ass off, im still single(sometimes thankful...=p~), crazy shopping, friendship bonding, and most important growing up!!! size and mind... tralalalalaaaaaa.... things that i didnt do?? shaping the boody, travelling and have a boo.... its the every year didnt do thing... next year's resolutions??? simpan duit untuk bercuti cuti.. mengkuruskn pipi dan jgn boros.... adoiiii... the last part is the hardest part of all... help me plz....

when i looked back the road, i saw some greasy road, curvy and windy path and some straight lane. I wonder what would happen if i had choosen the other road... what if i did continue my study? what if i never shared my dreams with her? what if i never touch the thing? what if i never knew them? what if i smsed the long gone best friend? seriously what would happen?

-answer me-

one boring weekend

i browsed through all the files in my lappy and i found this. all i did is the writing... else is my skills.. yeah right.. i took this pic when musni was driving. its a peacefull moment. i think i need to brush up my cammies skills.. all i have is my olly.. i need to learn how to use at its best.. camne ek nk blaja amek gambar gune cam biasa???

i love when im not driving and i sit next to driver's seat.. i can take pictures n thinking ouh this will look good with some words n frames... thousands piccas taken but only a few posted up. hi hi.. pemalasan me.. well all i wanted to do is post this up.. there goes...

stop,lose it and walk away...

im speechless..no, actually im worldless.. i have no advice for me.. i need to walk away, for some puff.. a healthy puff.. i need a vacation where i can get cold feet and puff of airs coming from my breath.. i need iceland so that i can be ice queen.. so that i can block away the hurt.. so that i have iced heart.. so that no one could ask me "are you ok?".. im not ok dammit and please stop asking me that question... i appreciate all your kindness but all i want is just the pat in the back and let me cry... no conversations no advice... i just need to cry...

leave me with my thoughts....

its always good to have guilt. guilt will teach us our mistakes. it will also can burned you to rot.it is you who have the final say. it is you to create your present and draw your future. I dont know but today i feel a lot of guilt inside me. the guilt over God, the guilt on my parents, guilt for a muse and guilt in myself. i betrayed me. i've sinned, i am not the perfect daughter, i cheat over my feeling. *sigh* what should i do with this emotions? i pissed of to someone and shot the anger to vandalisme over my body. i think im going to disgorge the lava in me... i think i need to have a fresh perceptions... i think i need love......................................................................................................