stop,lose it and walk away...

im speechless..no, actually im worldless.. i have no advice for me.. i need to walk away, for some puff.. a healthy puff.. i need a vacation where i can get cold feet and puff of airs coming from my breath.. i need iceland so that i can be ice queen.. so that i can block away the hurt.. so that i have iced heart.. so that no one could ask me "are you ok?".. im not ok dammit and please stop asking me that question... i appreciate all your kindness but all i want is just the pat in the back and let me cry... no conversations no advice... i just need to cry...

leave me with my thoughts....

its always good to have guilt. guilt will teach us our mistakes. it will also can burned you to rot.it is you who have the final say. it is you to create your present and draw your future. I dont know but today i feel a lot of guilt inside me. the guilt over God, the guilt on my parents, guilt for a muse and guilt in myself. i betrayed me. i've sinned, i am not the perfect daughter, i cheat over my feeling. *sigh* what should i do with this emotions? i pissed of to someone and shot the anger to vandalisme over my body. i think im going to disgorge the lava in me... i think i need to have a fresh perceptions... i think i need love......................................................................................................

its.a.long.drive...

tonight i went for a drive with mr. ayah. Its usual for the Ayah fams for not cooking after a long drive yesterday. so instead this morning we eat foods from kenduri last afternoon. the meal spread to lunch and when its dinner, i think im going to puke. i thought, let me buy some food. i was actually thinking of kfc(again!). my loyal companion wasnt at home to be my bodyguard. adoi.. so i decide to go alone. Ayah was like "pegi dengan sape nie?", me:"alone". he:"wait for me, im going." .. ok uh, this is like the first time Ayah wants to sit next to me and go somewhere.. usually, he will be the driver and i will sit next to him. everyones are scared if im driving. hu hu hu... anyway, in the car he said, "arent you longing for sate?" owh well i am.. since yesterday i keep on whining over sate trip. "hmmmm lets go to buy sate.. hi hi..".. soo for 10 mins of driving, i feel at peace.. talking to just Ayah and i got his attention. yayy... this is the peace i have looking for.. yeaps.. i am in peace.. we talked about plans for next weekend and bout my baby ride. thank god he didnt ask about my work or relationship or my behavior.. thats creepy... but all in all, i like to be with him. just him....

a wish is NOT just a wish...

i want this:

i am the girl

who is this girl? long black hair with bloody tears without smile pasted on her face. That girl emotion is the same with mine. *sigh* tetiba saya stress x menentu. Alhamdulillah i have the hyppo to merempit together but today we merempit with caramel frappucino yg nyummies and ice lemon tea yang tidak sedap. I think i need a puff. I think i need a vacation. I think i need you. I think im fucked up.i think that i am a loser. its all happen when i did not get any project. Am i that bad cz im the last person to have a project? the boss did consoled me with words but i felt like the words is meaningless. Maybe its not my luck. Maybe cz i have been neglecting my chores to the higher power that HE forget about me. Maybe maybe... ntahlaaaa... sakit kepala memikirkn tentang perkara ini. im duped.
-thinking of crying-

MidLifeCrisis

i think i'm having mid life crisis.. har har har... what a cute diagnosis... well the truth is? i have been having second thoughts bout my super bored life. people always say at 20-ish, its the time for you to play around and find true love.. hah... sooo ok im19 and ive just started my life.. true love, none, play around, half check, job check check, travelling no check, car half check.. soooo i need some entertainment. thats why i think i have reached to my midlife crisis.. *boredface*
secondly, i think my passion for real time shopping in realistic world is gone.. kapush, kapish... prolly because of people in Malaysia is soo thin that they forgot to sell big big clothes with small small price.. yeah maybe.. I think the last shopping i did in a brick shop is about a month ago before my graduation. hmmpphhh soo long ago. I need big brown bag and cheap m&s and cheap esprit. can i have it for my bday??? *wishing very hard with closed eyes*
thirdly, i think its my midlife crisis because of the ehem is around corner. yeahh my age will be the same which is 19 but.... when will i be a grown up girl? *thinking very hard with squeezed eyes*
fourthly, i think my i have Grey hair. the virtual grey hair.. eheheehe.. the one where i imagine it be and the reason i have it is becoz of too much of thinking.. everyday i would comb my hair at wee hour trying to overlook each strand of hair to find the tiniest stray of grey color.. soo far, soo black..*eyes rolled to the top of head..counting one black hair, two black hair, three black hair.... *
fifthly, i am easily tired. well go figure, after very high fever and plus cuti cuti puasa, i have no strength to puasa. maybe cz mls nk puasa... hi hi.. *smiling sheepishly*
sixthly, im BORED... totally insane.. totally a freak...
seventhly, no good movies... that one is sooo true...*rolled eyes with L on forehead*
eightly, no close friend around.everyone is busy. hyppos, froggie, beaver, cipan, bobby, gajah and thenadz,nida,schebby,farah,kay are all far away. ok maybe some of them are near but right now i feel like they far far away in faraway planet. farther than pluto. *missingthemsoo much face*
ninthly, i have no money. No money and no money.
tenthly, ok no number 10 cz i like number 10. number 10 is only for bestest coolest, thing ever.

-im done-

saya rindu kamu!!!!!!!!!

hari ini, genaplah 1 minggu cik katak berada di Kerteh nun jauh sangat kt terengganu.. haihh.. arituh hari rabu saya demam.. saya dedikasikan demam itu untuk cik katak. 3 hari dapat mc. 3 hari badan panas, 3 hari x puasa. doktor x bg puasa.. shuuussshhh jgn kasi tau org yeh. hari jumaat cik hyppo ajak keluar mkn di williams.. Saya tolak atas sebab kesihatan dan juga kerinduan teramat ke atas cik katak.. setiap kali saya memandang makanan, saya nampak si katak, setiap kali saya ingin melakukan kerja gila saya ingat cik katak. Email pn baru satu cik katak balas. Nk telepon cik katak, betri tepon saya dah abes. tunggu aje laaa esok hari... cik hyppo baru je ckp td yg cik katak rindu saya.. saya pn rindu awak jugak... cik katak cepatlaaa pulang....

je ne vais pas à Singapour

my singapore trip is either put on hold or put on stop. hmmpphh soo much of last last post. Now im getting irritated. ive been looking forward and also set my mind bout moving to spore. guess this is one of the hiccups i need to face. As for now, i am projectless, boringness, sadness n angryness. angryness is referred to last post, sadness is for singapore trip, boringness for workhour in the office n projectless is for my future.. hwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i need some entertainment in the office n in life.. hopefully itll be postpone till tmorrow.. ehehhee.. yeah soo in my dreams laaa kn.. now evione plz updates ur blog. im dying of boredom here..

mon frère sucent

Mon ordinateur portable est atteint du virus. extrémité.

i.miss.my.brothers

i have 3 brothers but somehow for past 2 weeks i felt like i dont have one. yerlaaaa, on my convo day none of them were there.. Abang was busy with work and this week hes worried sick about her daughter.. 2 weeks dah i didnt get a chance to meet him. Boemar was busy with studies and plants... its already 12.01 and hes not home.... younger brother?? having him from 8pm to 12 am doesnt make my day. yerlaaa asyik gadoh jer... huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....
i really miss to have a chat with them, to poke my younger bro's tummy, pijak boemar's feet, getting a kiss from Abang... the bros always bully me.. i miss that...

*spoiled little brat sister*

p/s: help me pray for my little niece health.. she got some infection or virus in her body... they have taken her blood sample to be examined... sigh..