dancing under grey black sky...

I heard the sound of rain.I looked outside but the sky is not black nor grey. It's white like a pure cotton. How looks can be deceiving. Thats why trust is hard to be earned. I like the smell of rain. It's fresh and calm. But the sound of lightning scares everything away. Thats why hope can be banished by a strong current in a second. every drops of rain splashes not too far from it landed. thats why you can never run from problems. itll merge back just like drops of rain on a surface.

Owh rain, when u drop by why didn't you bring in the solution or even a cure to my pains?

cerita tentang kawan.

A SMS came in. 'you left some stuff in my car'. Sigh. I text back, 'what stuff did I left?' a few seconds after, my phone rings. A familiar tone. 'you left your smile in my car when you went back just now'. if I didn't know you like I did, I would have smile from ear to ear and had my heart melt like an ice cream under scorching sun. But since I know you and I'm still mad at you, your words are pennyless. Hmmmmphhhh. Brown cow!

thoughts words i have saved up years ago but didnt get it published.

it seems easy to talk to you after ive thrown away all my feelings toward you. So i guess, we can just be friend for now and let time decide for us.

nk button escape untuk lari, nk button shift untuk berubah, nk button tab untuk some space, nk button enter untuk execute, nk button control untuk kawal perasaan, nk button alternate untuk bertukar kehidupan. Sume yg aku mahu ade je didepanku... cume aku harus kuat dan tabah untuk menekannya. Paling takot nk tekan button end.

i need to find a perfect song to fine tune my life and to forget about what happens on yesterday yesterweek yesteryear. give me a tune, give me a melody. read the lyrics so i shall remember.

i love people producing beautiful voices, creative photos, wonderful sketches and instrument player. I am just a bystander who couldnt do anything but only to adore them. few weeks ago, my friend introduce me to Yuna and on the same week, i learnt that a photographer lost to cancer Sara Aziz. hmm, i think ive heard Yuna from Diana first, then Iqa gave me the songs. Yuna's melodies and Sara's photos are inspiring me to be more creative. To get outside my in-a-box mind.Tomorrow, ill be in a park with friends of mine. Let see how well it goes. I did learnt how to be a musician and i failed, uh no i didnt failed just that i didnt pursue it. Its all because of i dont have the passion to do so. I took on photography last year and its been a on and off hobby. So what will happen tomorrow?

terasa bahagia

Hari ini? aku kembali tersenyum dan tertawa. tentang hal aku berduka, aku biarkan saja. Melayan pn tak bagus untuk kesihatan diri. Pagi tadi, i went to work berbekalkan wirid doa. "Apa yg terjadi mmg pasti akan terjadi takdenyer nk the other way around, itu bak org english kata FATE. Semua yg berlaku hanya ujian. Allah menguji kita kerana DIA tahu kita mampu untuk diuji.". Sampai office, mulakan dengan mendengar lagu. carik lagu happy, lagu cinta, lagu jiwa. Mencari mood untuk bekerja. terjwb panggilan pagi, hati terhibur sebentar. Ada juga orang masih caring. terima kasih si pembeli nasi. Kembali focus pada kerja. di waktu tengah hari, gembira dapat makan. rasa macam dah beribu jam tak makan tengah hari. sampaikan bihun manis terasa sedap teramat. ya, aku gembira terhadap makanan. yg lain masih tak berubah. masih ada rasa tersingkir dan disingkir. siapalah aku, duduk jauh tak siapa nk update ape2. sekembali ke tempat duduk, aku tersenyum lagi. ada lagi orang realize aku masih bernafas di dunia yg penuh dengan kekecewaan. berbual sebentar walaupun tadi telah berjumpa. Bila menuju ke kereta, bibir masih tersenyum. iyalah, dah lama tak tersenyum gembira. hari ini, aku tawakkal. hari ini, aku bersyukur. Aku masih ada orang yg sayang. Alhamdulillah, walau bagi kau cerita ini tidak fun, tapi bagi aku ini titik permulaan untuk aku bangun dan kembali berperang. besok aku tak tahu apakan terjadi. apakah hari ini berulang untuk esok? aku harus ingat, tiap hari tak semesti membawa kegembiraan.

tragic irony...

irony..... when the person you didnt expect to care about you ask about your wellbeing, while the person you known very close, didnt say anything.

irony.... we have known for a long time but you still didnt know me.

irony.... im sick and tired and angry inside but i still smile eventhough its a fake smile.

irony... i used to be a great actor, but now im not as good as i used to be.

ceritera aku dan cicak

lama tak berkarya. dah berhabuk. eh tengok ade binantang lain menghuni.
cicak tanye, nape dah lame tak menyinggah?
aku jawab sebab cerita sume tak best. takde orang nak baca...kan.
cicak:eh tapikan ade cerita orang bertunang, orang kawen, cuti cuti, makan makan byklah cerita best.
aku: sekarang nie kehidupan penuh dengan kesedihan. Tak mahulah semua itu menggangu keceriaan cerita best seperti yang kau katakan. Mereka hanya mahu membaca cerita lawak, gembira. Yang aku ada, pilu dan resah, marah dan sedih.
cicak: abes tuh sekarang ape nk cerita?
aku: eh sape kate aku nk cerita, aku cuma mahu membersihkan lalang disini, termasuk juga menghalau kau.

bila lagi aku akan update, entah lah..tunggulah sehingga hati kembali ceria...

Middle of May

I received a card. It says To K and partner. it made me laugh and cry at the same time. She is an old friend. we hardly talk but she remembers me.
My parent received an invitation card. my long gone bff gonna get hitched. I was the last one to know. how sad. I choose to be like this and now it smack me on the head. The card says to Hj S and Family.

I heard someone is leaving. People always leave.

alterations on my life.

hmmmm lately my posts are all about how emotional unstable i was. I have decided to change. To change the layout and also the content. Trying to be as cheerful as i was before when i started this blog. No, i wont delete all post as it is there to remind me not to make another mistake. Tonight and today i'm thankful enough to have close ones standing tall beside me ready to kick in on the butt if i screw up. I have notice that whenever i let things fall to pieces, I have loads of other people would like to help me to pick up the pieces. Sometimes they tend to replace a new piece that would fit in my scattered puzzled life. Let it be free, the muggers who cracked my puzzle. For i shall complete the puzzle with people i love. grudge will still be there but not as much as the usual. Im learning to breathe easily and not to have redundant mistakes. So come back again, and ill try to change. To be a better daughter, a caring sibling, a good friend and hatredless enemy. No post will be posted until the layout is changed.

To my friend, pray for me.

a thank you note.

One fine day, He ask "Lately when i saw you, why did your face turns sour??". I was stumped and speechless. I dont know what to answer so i lied. I ask myself again why and why but the answers i found seems illogical. The whole week i have been a grumpy person. But it was hidden by a simple smile. Never thought that it would appear and noticed by a someone. I guess i hide well from my friends. Or so i thought. The question has been lingering in my head since then. I keep on trying to find reasons behind it. If you have read post before, that happen during the weekend. Less is better for your knowledge. I cried in dark, i cried in car, i cried in crowds. reminishing of what that hurt me.
This morning, a friend told me about her dream. A weird dream. She told me that i wasnt in a good mood. I was grumpy and maybe i think i cry. I cant remember exactly the whole story. Mind my little mind. its not enough to store much memories. Coincidence? or telepathy?But i really in need of a friend during the weekend. i guess im soo used in hiding the problem that it hits me, no one was there on the night it happens. So i wrote. Not for you to notice but for me to heal. Babe ask me "why you didnt call?", Dear babe, i dont have the heart to spoil your fun night with bffs wedding. But the next day i have babe and my family to soothe me. Today, I have everyone dear to me sitting infront of me. Making me forget about that. This post is to thank for he who notice, for babe to have our starbucks run, for the rest to make me smile. Thank you. and all these emotions are shadowed by PMS. exaggerating is my forte.

Im fooled by your so called friendship.

i just need an explanation, but you left me hanging. The whole night i have been waiting for a single sms but but nothing comes in. This morning, the first thing i checked is my inbox. sad. another nothing. Why cant you just tell me the truth and make peace out of it. But no, you decided to remain silence and that silence kills me inside. Its not the first time this happen. But i stayed eventhough people say i am stupid for it. I value you just like i value other friends. But in return i am the one who get my heart crushed. Every single time? owh great, i can hear someone said "i told you so".